A conversation on abstinence.

I have this friend.

No, really, it's not me. It's an actual friend. We'll call her Mary.

Now, Mary has been in a committed, exclusive relationship for over 6 years. SIX YEARS. That's real commitment, isn't it? I haven't done anything consistently for six years, let alone be in a relationship for that long.

But do you know what's even more interesting than a six year relationship? A six year relationship without sex. No vaginal, anal, or oral sex. No finger play. No full-frontal nudity. We're talking a Rated G relationship.

Now, Mary has taken a lot of flack for her situation. HOW could he be happy? How could SHE be satisfied? Why would you ever in a million years be with someone that long and not WANT IT? Everyone else seemed to have the opinion that her relationship was somehow wrong or unhealthy.

So, I did what any curious Sex Educator would do: I asked her.

Me: Mary, why did you and your boyfriend choose to be in a sexless relationship?
Mary: Mack, let me ask you something first. What do you find sexy in a person?
Me: Oh, lots of stuff. Someone with big, blue eyes. Someone who is really smart. Someone with just the right amount of confidence.
Mary: And how many of those things can you get without actually having sex?
Me: ...
Mary: Exactly. And do you know what's not so sexy? Pregnancy scares. HIV infection. STDs. Going against any moral or religious belief you may have. Giving in to peer pressure. Building a relationship solely around sex.
Me: I never thought of it like that.
Mary: There are pros and cons to any situation. But my boyfriend and I chose to be abstinent. We've gotten to know each other in a way that some couples miss out on.
Me: But don't you WANT to have sex?
Mary: Of course I do! We talk about it and I definitely think about it. But at the end of the day, I know we love each other. And when we're ready to have sex, we will. Until then, we're 100% okay with finding OTHER ways to show we care without doin' it.

Abstinence is a personal choice. It's just as healthy as a relationship with sex. It doesn't mean you're boring or prude...It means you've made a conscious decision about your values and how you want to express your love for someone else. And hey, a relationship without certain risks (like pregnancy) doesn't sound half bad!

Food for thought.